What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
