Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
