On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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