your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
