There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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