Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
