so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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