i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
