Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
