he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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