so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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