Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
