You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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