The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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