Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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