is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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