I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
