he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
