I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
