her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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