God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
