I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
