wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
