If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
