i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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