I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
