My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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