She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Send help, water and tortillas.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
soo... how was my night?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
