So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
