Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
