I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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