Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
