I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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