my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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