I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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