I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
