Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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