I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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