PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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