I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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