Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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