I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
