Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
