I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
