i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
