I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
