I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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