i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
