He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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