Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
