make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
